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Month: August 2015

Thanks for the choke, Chuck!

Met one of my literary heroes today: Chuck Palahniuk. He tried to choke me out!

Chuck_choke

FIGHT CLUB is one of my favorite books. When the trailer for the movie came out, a lot of people dismissed it as gratuitous violence and skipped the movie. Their loss, because it’s not really about a bunch of dudes punching each other, it’s about a young man finding his identity in a culture of relentless consumerism and self-absorbed self-improvement.

“Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer…
Maybe self-destruction is the answer.”

I was lucky enough to patch things up with my father before his final self-destruction. FIGHT CLUB was a part of coming to terms with that. Today I got to thank Chuck in person for his contribution to that life event for me. And I asked him to inscribe my old and dog-eared copy to my son…

Chuck_inscription

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure… and definitely worth more than a 20-year grudge. If you’re lucky enough to have a father still breathing, call him now. Do whatever you have to do to bury the hatchet. Don’t let it bury you.

And, oh yeah… check out Chuck’s new comic series, FIGHT CLUB 2!

Chuck_comics

Where the hell did THAT come from?

Someone asked me where I got the idea for A HERO IS ALWAYS ALONE SOMETIMES. And, yeah, it’s kinda weird…

We recently bought a vintage audio console. You know, the kind with a record player and radio and tube amp built in? One of those big ol’ suckers you might’ve seen in your grandparent’s house? It looks like this:

Korting_Delmonico

So I went out and bought a few records, some new ones, some old ones that took me back. One of the oldies was this piece of post-punk Brit-pop:

album_PsychFurs

 

I put it on and danced around the living room like some outcast from the Breakfast Club. After trying to explain the 80’s to our four-year-old (who responded by throwing a plastic dinosaur at my head) I flipped it over to the B-side and lowered the needle onto “My Time”…

You can have anything you can hold in your hand
And a hero is always alone

…and I thought, but what if someone wanted to be that hero’s sidekick? Then, naturally, but what if that hero didn’t want a sidekick? Followed by, what if that sidekick didn’t care?

Add a renegade wife, a dysfunctional support group, and a flatulent dog, and there you have it: A HERO IS ALWAYS ALONE SOMETIMES.

PS: for proof that the 80s were both awesome and terrifying, witness the big hair and sunglasses known as The Psychedelic Furs!

“My marriage counselor says I should grow some balls.”

That’s the opening line from my new novelette, available right HERE right NOW for less than a buck!

JonnyEffingLucas_Hero_363x581

A HERO IS ALWAYS ALONE SOMETIMES is a foul-mouthed novelette about a chronic underachiever turned superhero…

After his wife dumps him for a mustachioed car salesman, Solomon is left with nothing but a broken heart and a flatulent dog. So he decides to win her back by proving himself… as the sidekick of the suave superhero UltraGuy! But when UltraGuy shuns him at the local supermarket, Solomon is forced to choose between giving up the woman of his dreams or going it alone against a batshit-crazy criminal mastermind.

Who the hell is Jonny Effing Lucas, you ask? I just thought it would be fun to fuck with my name. As a warning to potentially sensitive readers. People who can’t take it. Not you, you’re a bad-ass. I’ve seen you do some shit that, quite frankly, I’m surprised you survived. This story is for superheroes like you, so check it out..

My little brother & I took a photo of an alien!

Actually, it was an Unidentified Flying Object. And this story is 100% true—since we were never able to identify that flying object. But we saw it: a UFO. And it freaked us out.

It was the summer of ’76. We were living in a ranch-style home in Durham, NC. My bedroom had wallpaper with a brown nautical theme—old drawings of sailing ships, a compass, a steering wheel, a telescope, repeat, repeat, repeat… The kind of wallpaper designed for kids who loved Robinson Crusoe and pirates. We were not those kids. We loved spaceships.

Star Wars wasn’t out yet but we loved Star Trek and the Twilight Zone and any goofy space-themed comics we could get our grubby hands on. I even drew my own comic, “Defenders of the Universe,” which featured the thrilling space adventures of Captain Argo as he fought his nemesis, Mr. Vendezvous. You know, to save the galaxy.

Anyway, we were in my room one night, discussing just how many lizard-people with just how many giant styrofoam rocks it would take to actually kill Captain Kirk, when we saw a strange glow out the window. Up in the sky was a cluster of lights. We thought it might be a helicopter. But it darted quickly left and then right again, too fast for a helicopter.

“A spaceship!” I shouted as I reached for my camera on top of my messy dresser. A Kodak Ektralight 10, which I kept loaded and wound for action. Because if anything interesting ever happened in Durham, NC, I didn’t want to miss it.

This was it! I grabbed my trusty camera off the dresser but the strap caught on a Loony Tunes glass. I yanked it free, spraying Kool-Aid through the air, the glass crashing against the Lego fortress-in-progress on the floor. I aimed my camera out the window and pressed the button. The flash went off, reflecting off the window, nearly blinding us. But we saw that UFO take off like a shot, over the lake and across the horizon, out of sight. It had seen us!

I spent my whole allowance getting the film developed at the mall. I told them of the importance of what was on that roll of film. “Do your best,” I told the teenager behind the desk. “One of those pictures is going to change the world—no, the UNIVERSE!”

A week later I got my pictures back. Flipped past the poignant shots of our dog Scooter sleeping in the kitchen. Past the shots of the spider we dropped into a bottle of moonshine we found in the woods. Past the rather artistic shot my brother accidentally took of his right foot. And found The Picture That Would Change The Universe!

But it was just picture of my window, lit up from inside by the flash, two hopeful boys staring out through their reflection at a limitless universe.

License to write sh*t, courtesy of Ernest Hemingway!

If you read, chances are at some point in your life you’ve wanted to write. Maybe the memoirs of your cat (please don’t) or a vampire romance (god no) or something tasteful, like the romantic memoirs of your vampire cat (now we’re talking!).

Maybe you started writing it. Maybe even got to page two. Or maybe it’s done and you’ve published it and Hollywood has optioned it with Scarlett Johansson to play your sexy vampire cat and Liam Neeson’s people called and he wants the leading man role but only if he can punch the cat and…

Oddly enough, writing is the easy part, it’s the reading it back that kills. Because when you read it, it sucks. So you give up and throw it away and probably blame your not-really-a-vampire cat. But not so fast…

Hemingway said, “All first drafts are shit.” He should know, he wrote gobs of books, most of them pretty damn good. And they all started as shitty first drafts. So go ahead, give yourself license to write shit. In fact, here’s a license for you to download:

license_Hemingway2

Right-click & download image

Just print it out, fill in your info and sign it. And from now on, anytime you write something and say “this is shit,” you’ll know you have Hemingway’s blessing.

CITADEL flash fiction!

“I’m only writing this in case something happens to me and some sad fuck finds my body. And if that sad fuck is you, there’s something important I need you to do for me…”
http://www.imnotdeadbooks.com/citadel/fcking-in-heaven-citadel-ep5